Managing Your Anger Consciously

How to Manage your Anger?
By Marge C. Enriquez

Philippine Daily Inquirer

When Nancy returned from a business trip, her partner Joseph confessed that he'd slept with nine women in her three-week absence. Fuming, she punched him in the stomach.

It didn't change his misbehavior. In fact, it got worse. Joseph hid his affairs better and chased women half his age.

Ric would be harsh on his son each time the child misbehaved or failed to follow instructions. Ric insisted that his form of "discipline" was effective.

He didn't realize that the boy had become emotionally incapacitated. The boy vented his suppressed pain by joining bad company and indulging in vices.

This theater director yelled and hurled expletives at his actors, believing that anger would motivate the cast. The atmosphere was always tense, and the people could not work creatively.
A millionaire lost all his wealth due to bad investments and hard luck. He sold everything to pay his debts. One day, a friend dropped by the businessman's house which had been emptied. There was a smile on the man's face. "I may have lost everything, but not my self-respect," he said.

These are all real situations that made people angry, and how they reacted to them.

Anger is quite complex. It has many relatives such as whining, addiction, guilt, crying, emotional blackmail, manipulation, fear, a martyr complex. Anger's intensity ranges from irritation to rage. Anger could have severe consequences.

In the last example, however, while the businessman could have gnashed his teeth after losing everything, he, instead, understood the laws of living: Nothing or no one can ever hurt you; you alone hurt yourself.

Losing awareness

British author, life coach, lecturer and consultant Mike George writes in his book "Don't Get Mad, Get Wise": "Anger is a sign that you have lost the awareness of the truth of 'Who am I?', and that something is blocking your access to the peace of your heart."

That anger is a natural, biological and physiological response that's part human survival (attributable to hormonal imbalances, aging) is a misconception.

"From a spiritual point of view, anger is never healthy, natural or useful," he says. "Anger destroys the ability to create meaningful relationships and consistently good work."

Anger stems from you desperately trying to change someone or something without success. You then project your anguish or inner discord through anger.

Instead of coming to terms with your demons, you delude yourself by forming an opinion and sentencing someone or a situation. In other words, you attack others, consciously or unconsciously.

George cites the three essential truths necessary to attain freedom from anger.

First, anger and hurt are self-created.

Second, those negative reactions are merely mistakes, and all human blunders can be rectified by truth. Mistakes are a form of illusion-a lack of knowledge.

Third, it is really the ego (the false impressions about yourself), not the "essential self," that is wounded. When you get attached to your perception of yourself, you become vulnerable when you see a person or a situation jeopardizing your self-image.

Say, someone criticizes you or calls you incompetent. Your ego is jeopardized and you become defensive.

"If you were not attached to the image of being Mr. or Ms Always Very Bright and Clever, being called stupid would not bother you. You might just disagree. In fact, you would respond from the sound self that, yes, sometimes you do things that are not sensible. But you are not a stupid person. Outcome? No mental disturbance, no pain, no hurt."

In truth, the person assailing or condemning you is also acting from his or her own hurts.
"They have an image of how they would like you to be or do. They are attached to that image... and when you do not act or be according to that image, they make themselves upset and hurt (and label you as difficult)," explains George.

Your own making

Remind yourself that your thoughts, behavior and personality are your doing. It's up to you to let a person or situation upset you. Attachment is the source of the pain.

"When you accept this, then truly you will realize you are the creator of all your own hurt... The only person that you need to forgive is yourself. Because you simply fell asleep to the true you," says George.

"You are not the image in your mind. You are you, the untouchable and undisturbable you, that is the source of constant peace, love and joy."

After what appears to be ages of anger, anxiety or pain, how do you link up with your true being?

Start by paying attention to reversing negative patterns and reinforcing quality thoughts. "Meditation is foremost-learning not to engage with your thoughts but to separate yourself from them, and then just observe them," says George.

His ground rules: stop worrying, doubting, replaying the past (even if it happened only a second ago), blaming the self or others, criticizing and catastrophizing.

"Allow them to pass, and you will find yourself becoming calmer and calmer and it will be as if inner peace will come to you," says George.

"Watch your thoughts and you will notice that they either go into the past or into the future. And you allow them to carry you with them... Most people are totally unaware of this, and as a result, only fully appreciate a small part of the present. If you learn to meditate, you will learn to be here and now. You will learn to know, feel and see and be at peace, in love, joyful and contented... now."