True Kindness is a strong genuine way of being. It is the result of the interplay among several qualities, such as warmth, trust, patience, loyalty, gratitude, …
Scientific research confirms that kind people are healthier and live longer, are more popular and productive, have greater success in business, and are happier than others. In other words, they are destined to live a much more interesting and fulfilling life than those who lack this quality. They are much better equipped to face life in all its savage unpredictability and frightening precariousness.
But I can already hear an objection: Suppose we are kind in order to feel better and live longer. Wouldn’t we be perverting the very nature of kindness? WE would make it calculated and self-interested, and therefore it would no longer be kindness. How true! Kindness derives its purpose from itself, not from other motives. The true benefit of kindness is being kind. Perhaps more than any other factor, kindness gives meaning and value to our life, raises us above our troubles and our battles, and makes us feel good about ourselves.
In a certain sense, all the scientific studies showing the advantages of kindness are useless – useless as incentives because the sole incentive to kindness can be none other than the desire to help, the pleasure of being generous and attentive to other people’s lives.
Heaven save us from the fakes – self-interested politeness, calculated generosity, superficial etiquette. And also from kindness against one’s will. What’s more embarrassing than someone doing us a favour out of a sense of guilt? Psychonanalysts speak of yet another type of kindness – one that hides anger, a “reaction formation”. The idea of being full of rage upsets us, so we unconsciously repress this dark side and act in a kind way. But this is false and contrived, and has nothing to do with what, in our heart, we really care for. Finally weakness masquerades sometimes as kindness: You say yes when you mean no, you go along because you want to be nice, you acquiesce because you are afraid. A person who is too good and submissive ends up a loser.
My thesis is that true kindness is a strong, genuine, warm way of being. It is the result of the interplay among several qualities, such as warmth, trust, patience, loyalty, gratitude, and many others. Without even one of these qualities, kindness is less convincing and less true. Each of these qualities alone is sufficient, if we evoke and cultivate it, to revolutionize our psyche and change our life radically. Together, their action is even more effective and profound. From this perspective, kindness is synonymous with mental health.
The gifts of kindness and its qualities are various. Why are grateful people more efficient? Why are those who feel a sense of belonging less depressed? Why do altruistic people enjoy better health, and trusting individuals live longer? Why is it that if you smile, you are perceived as more attractive? … Why do those elderly who can talk more with others have less probability of contracting Alzheimer’s disease? … Because all these attitudes and behaviours, which are all aspects of kindness, brings us closer to what we are meant to do and to be . It is so elementary: If we relate better with others, we feel better.
Kindness, as we will see, has many facets. But its essence is as simple as can be. We will find that kindness is a way of making less effort. It is the most economic attitude there is, because it saves us much energy that we might otherwise waste in suspicion, worry, resentment, manipulation, or unnecessary defence. It is an attitude that, by eliminating the inessential, brings us back to the simplicity of being.
…. We are all in the midst of a “global cooling”. Human relations are becoming colder. Communications are becoming more hurried and impersonal. Values such as profit and efficiency are taking on greater importance at the expense of human warmth and genuine presence.
.. we are going through an Ice Age of the heart … and is worrisome… it goes hand in hand with the epidemic of depression and panic attacks, probably the two psychological disturbances most linked to lack of warmth and of a reassuring and protective community, and to a weakened sense of belonging.
HONESTY: EVERYTHING BECOMES EASIER
Honesty exists in both directions – in our interactions with ourselves and with others.
To know yourself is the sine qua non of mental health. – Sydney Jourard, The Transparent Self.
But we can hardly know ourselves in isolation: We must first let ourselves be known by someone else, without bluffing or hiding. For Jourard, all neurotic symptoms, such as fear of leaving the house or depression, are nothing more than screens we erect in order to hide ourselves from others. As soon as we become more transparent, we start to feel better.
Are honesty and kindness incompatible? Honesty, at times so tough, has a lot in common with kindness, though they might seem to be opposites. If kindness has falseness as its base, it is no longer kindness. It is a laboured courtesy. It does not come from the heart, but from a fear of sticking one’s neck out, of provoking strong reactions, or of facing accusation and argument. What do you prefer – genuine kindness, ready to tell the uncomfortable truth? Or the politeness of someone who avoids confrontation, declares himself to be having fun when he is bored, says yes, when he means no, and smiles when in agony?
TO ACT HONESTLY – EVEN AT THE RISK OF SAYING THE UNPLEASANT TRUTH, or of saying no and causing distress to others – if done with intelligence and tact, is the kindest thing to do, because it respects our own integrity and acknowledges in others the capacity to be competent and mature.
TO BE HONEST ALSO MEANS TO RECOGNIZE A PROBLEM rather than pretend there is none.
If kindness has falseness at its base, it is no longer kindness.
It is laboured courtesy. It does not come from the heart, but from a fear
of sticking one’s neck out, of provoking strong reactions, or of facing
accusation and argument.
Lying has a thousand faces, the truth only one.
We can pretend to have many emotions we don’t really have, to be many people
who we are not. But if we stop pretending, all the artifices and the efforts
to hold life together fall away. What a relief!
.. Once while listening to the story of a client, I was deeply moved. She noticed and told me so. I tried to hide my emotion, but she didn’t believe it for a second. In that moment I realized how weak and awkward we are when we try to hide our feelings. And how important it is, within our limits of tact and good taste, to be honest and freely show what we feel and who we are. So when are we kinder: when we hide our warmth, our dreams, our wonder, our humour, or when we reveal them?
Thus, not only is honesty compatible with genuine kindness, it is the very basis of kindness. False kindness pollutes. As long as you are not living in the truth, you cannot relate. As long as you do not call the hard realities by name, you are living in the land of dreams. There is no room for you and me there, but only for harmful illusions. Inasmuch as we lie, we live a life devoid of reality. And kindness cannot exist in a world of masks and phantoms.
Scientific research confirms that kind people are healthier and live longer, are more popular and productive, have greater success in business, and are happier than others. In other words, they are destined to live a much more interesting and fulfilling life than those who lack this quality. They are much better equipped to face life in all its savage unpredictability and frightening precariousness.
But I can already hear an objection: Suppose we are kind in order to feel better and live longer. Wouldn’t we be perverting the very nature of kindness? WE would make it calculated and self-interested, and therefore it would no longer be kindness. How true! Kindness derives its purpose from itself, not from other motives. The true benefit of kindness is being kind. Perhaps more than any other factor, kindness gives meaning and value to our life, raises us above our troubles and our battles, and makes us feel good about ourselves.
In a certain sense, all the scientific studies showing the advantages of kindness are useless – useless as incentives because the sole incentive to kindness can be none other than the desire to help, the pleasure of being generous and attentive to other people’s lives.
Heaven save us from the fakes – self-interested politeness, calculated generosity, superficial etiquette. And also from kindness against one’s will. What’s more embarrassing than someone doing us a favour out of a sense of guilt? Psychonanalysts speak of yet another type of kindness – one that hides anger, a “reaction formation”. The idea of being full of rage upsets us, so we unconsciously repress this dark side and act in a kind way. But this is false and contrived, and has nothing to do with what, in our heart, we really care for. Finally weakness masquerades sometimes as kindness: You say yes when you mean no, you go along because you want to be nice, you acquiesce because you are afraid. A person who is too good and submissive ends up a loser.
My thesis is that true kindness is a strong, genuine, warm way of being. It is the result of the interplay among several qualities, such as warmth, trust, patience, loyalty, gratitude, and many others. Without even one of these qualities, kindness is less convincing and less true. Each of these qualities alone is sufficient, if we evoke and cultivate it, to revolutionize our psyche and change our life radically. Together, their action is even more effective and profound. From this perspective, kindness is synonymous with mental health.
The gifts of kindness and its qualities are various. Why are grateful people more efficient? Why are those who feel a sense of belonging less depressed? Why do altruistic people enjoy better health, and trusting individuals live longer? Why is it that if you smile, you are perceived as more attractive? … Why do those elderly who can talk more with others have less probability of contracting Alzheimer’s disease? … Because all these attitudes and behaviours, which are all aspects of kindness, brings us closer to what we are meant to do and to be . It is so elementary: If we relate better with others, we feel better.
Kindness, as we will see, has many facets. But its essence is as simple as can be. We will find that kindness is a way of making less effort. It is the most economic attitude there is, because it saves us much energy that we might otherwise waste in suspicion, worry, resentment, manipulation, or unnecessary defence. It is an attitude that, by eliminating the inessential, brings us back to the simplicity of being.
…. We are all in the midst of a “global cooling”. Human relations are becoming colder. Communications are becoming more hurried and impersonal. Values such as profit and efficiency are taking on greater importance at the expense of human warmth and genuine presence.
.. we are going through an Ice Age of the heart … and is worrisome… it goes hand in hand with the epidemic of depression and panic attacks, probably the two psychological disturbances most linked to lack of warmth and of a reassuring and protective community, and to a weakened sense of belonging.
HONESTY: EVERYTHING BECOMES EASIER
Honesty exists in both directions – in our interactions with ourselves and with others.
To know yourself is the sine qua non of mental health. – Sydney Jourard, The Transparent Self.
But we can hardly know ourselves in isolation: We must first let ourselves be known by someone else, without bluffing or hiding. For Jourard, all neurotic symptoms, such as fear of leaving the house or depression, are nothing more than screens we erect in order to hide ourselves from others. As soon as we become more transparent, we start to feel better.
Are honesty and kindness incompatible? Honesty, at times so tough, has a lot in common with kindness, though they might seem to be opposites. If kindness has falseness as its base, it is no longer kindness. It is a laboured courtesy. It does not come from the heart, but from a fear of sticking one’s neck out, of provoking strong reactions, or of facing accusation and argument. What do you prefer – genuine kindness, ready to tell the uncomfortable truth? Or the politeness of someone who avoids confrontation, declares himself to be having fun when he is bored, says yes, when he means no, and smiles when in agony?
TO ACT HONESTLY – EVEN AT THE RISK OF SAYING THE UNPLEASANT TRUTH, or of saying no and causing distress to others – if done with intelligence and tact, is the kindest thing to do, because it respects our own integrity and acknowledges in others the capacity to be competent and mature.
TO BE HONEST ALSO MEANS TO RECOGNIZE A PROBLEM rather than pretend there is none.
If kindness has falseness at its base, it is no longer kindness.
It is laboured courtesy. It does not come from the heart, but from a fear
of sticking one’s neck out, of provoking strong reactions, or of facing
accusation and argument.
Lying has a thousand faces, the truth only one.
We can pretend to have many emotions we don’t really have, to be many people
who we are not. But if we stop pretending, all the artifices and the efforts
to hold life together fall away. What a relief!
.. Once while listening to the story of a client, I was deeply moved. She noticed and told me so. I tried to hide my emotion, but she didn’t believe it for a second. In that moment I realized how weak and awkward we are when we try to hide our feelings. And how important it is, within our limits of tact and good taste, to be honest and freely show what we feel and who we are. So when are we kinder: when we hide our warmth, our dreams, our wonder, our humour, or when we reveal them?
Thus, not only is honesty compatible with genuine kindness, it is the very basis of kindness. False kindness pollutes. As long as you are not living in the truth, you cannot relate. As long as you do not call the hard realities by name, you are living in the land of dreams. There is no room for you and me there, but only for harmful illusions. Inasmuch as we lie, we live a life devoid of reality. And kindness cannot exist in a world of masks and phantoms.
Bust of Gotama Buddha displayed in Calcutta MuseumFace of kindness, deep peace
“People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is – just be a little kinder.” - Aldous Huxley
I believe that if we stop to think, it is clear that our very survival, even today, depends upon the acts and kindness of so many people. Right from the moment of our birth, we are under the care and kindness of our parents; later in life, when facing the sufferings of disease and old age, we are again dependent on the kindness of others. If at the beginning and end of our lives we depend upon others’ kindness, why then in the middle, when we have the opportunity, should we not act kindly toward others? - Dalai Lama
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